Collection Agency

Ever lend something away for a really long time and not get it back? I have on very numerous occasions and it kind of annoys me just because I'll stop talking to people as often or move on but never get it back. Sometimes I'll even lend things out and not remember who I lent it to, so I get this nagging feeling that I should know who has it but I don't know where to start. One of the worst is when I know exactly who has it but I haven't talked to them in a long time. It's not exactly the greatest way to drum up a conversation "Hey! Yeah remember that movie I lent you? Yeah! Can I get it back? Nice talking to you by the way"

I think what I mostly hate the the cumulative dollar amount of the things that I know people have, it's getting really high. I also hate the fact that I'm sitting on other people's stuff too and I really want to give it back. I hate having people's things as much as I hate others having mine.

Dammit! I need to make some phone calls.

-Matt

Interlude

3 month gap from blogging? not bad I'd say. Although there still are people that have some sort of faith in me to post and have checked almost every day to see if i have. To be honest I've probably started and quit at least a dozen posts in this time but never really got the urge to finish one until tonight.

I've been struck by a terrible case of apathy. Towards most people that is, I just didn't care. It was pretty simple and easy to do I have to say. Increasing stress relating to a person just caused me to push them away with little or no remorse.

I have a lot to say I think, but it's late for me and I'm tired. but i figured I'd break the blogger silence anyways.

-Matt

Snowballs and fishtails.

Is winter really here? I really hope so, I'd really like to go toboganning this year. Last year the snow came so late that I really didn't get the chance to enjoy it because I was too busy with work and school...That really is an all too common trend these days but hard work now pays off later. Sometimes I despise how much I have to do all the time, it cuts family out of the picture entirely too much some times. I regret that I missed my parents 25th wedding anniversary because of work, not all of it mind you but still a lot of it. I do know they understand though, they're the ones that taught me to be independent and do things for myself. I support myself now and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I wouldn't even accept two thousand dollars my mom offered me to help with school.

on another note, the bus I was taking home today fish tailed today. It was quite interesting I'd have to say, it literally made the fish movements while going down hill and I think the people that looked at me were a little weirded out by a person grinning in amusement because the bus went out of control...I just thought it felt cool.

-Matt

Procras...I'll finish the title later

You'd think I'd learn after a couple years that procrastination is a terrible terrible thing. But I keep doing it, I'll put off a report until the day before it's due and spend the entire night before just getting it done.

I'm a little distracted today, my kitty was put down. Sure she was 15 years old and she was getting quite sick. But I still miss her...

-Matt

Done

Erin,

I've left you alone for close to a year.

I've not talked to you for almost a year.

I've not even so much as posted anything that could be taken as insulting towards you for the better part of a year.

yet you insult me to my friends? I would say that you lied to them yet I'm sure that in this time that you've convinced yourself that you were the only person wronged.

You say that I broke the conditions first yet fail to identify what these are. Because as far as I can tell the only "condition" that I violated was the fact that I chose not to agree with what you've done. Don't you find it strange at all that you essentially broke up with your three best friends of old because of nearly the same reasons? They didn't feel sorry that you were torn between two guys at the same time, and I told you that you shouldn't date someone when you still had feelings for another. Granted I did go further than that and say that you shouldn't date Nathan. Although when you have someone call you on the phone crying each time they break up, and then show up at your work 2 hours before the end of your shift causing you to leave early...Can you blame me?

The fact that you refused to actually talk to me in person when the original argument took place told me then that you didn't want to resolve it. I accept that. The fact that you refuse any confrontation now shows me that you don't want others to doubt your story and that you don't have the confidence that what you've been telling yourself is even true. This I don't accept.

You crossed a line Erin, I find it odd that you say I'm the bitter one when you're the one that attempts to mislead MY friends. No Erin I don't hold grudges, I rarely care about something I get mad about more than a few days. This among other things speaks to me as to how little you actually did know me. Repetitive unjust or unprovoked actions towards me will anger me quickly and hold it for a while but I let go of it quickly after venting about it.

You were right about one thing though, I don't miss you. Not because I'm bitter, not because I'm angry, but because it achieves nothing and does me no good. You are among few that dislikes me because of what reasons you have. And anyone that does know me even slightly also knows that they aren't true.

I really do wish the best for you now. I just hope you learn that mistreating others is not a good way to keep going. Eventually Erin you'll have to learn that no one is always going to agree with you, and friends aren't there to agree with you all the time, they're the ones that tell you that you've screwed up, they're the ones that you trust to be honest with you not just people you go to for pity when you think things are unfair.

-Matt

To whom it may concern

It's been close to a year since we've last talked or seen each other, To me you were pretty much water under the bridge. Sure I thought back from time to time and sure I still have pictures kicking around that made me wonder how you were doing. But for the most part you just weren't there, and most thoughts were met with neutrality.

Ah but how things can change...I find it odd that you say I'm the one that stays bitter about everything. Yet poetic justice demands that I be punished, or maybe just spite.

It's funny how I seem to remember each time you broke up with someone you "loved". You absolutely "hated" them. Well for the first day, then you wanted them back, but then you hated them again. I seem to also remember on several occasions being asked to beat them up by none other than yourself because they were such horrid awful people that had hurt you. I didn't ever hit anyone for you, I've never hit anyone out of anger and I never will. I didn't think it was right to do so and had told you on many occasions. That's because of my morals...

Remember those? The ones that apparently I use so I can see myself as "better" than everyone else, "as dictated by you". Saying nothing about common decency, just throw that out the window. And just forget about helping others in any sort of need because that doesn't matter either. Everything in life is about staying happy, no matter how many people you have to step on to get there. Ever think maybe that was why I didn't agree with you dating the guy from Lacombe? Possibly because you still had feelings for someone else and were just using him as a rebound? No, it's because I'm controlling I guess. So controlling that I never once made you do anything you didn't want to do. So controlling that even when I didn't want to do something that you wanted me to I still would without comment because you asked. At this point I will bring up a certain green shirt and pink tie that I wore that I really didn't want to. I did that because I was willing to make concessions for other people especially on one of their special days, though I don't expect you to know much about that.

And you know, it's one thing to know your faults and another thing entirely to be proud of them. Vanity is hardly something to be admired, some might even say that being so absorbed with yourself might be a bad thing...

Oh and in a couple weeks when you're celebrating your one year, be happy, be ever so happy that I was wrong. Despite that I stated that "he needs to grow up before anything can happen" so sure things could work out for you as long as you both knew what you wanted and didn't keep breaking up. So yes Erin, I was wrong...

-Matt

That Giving State of Mind

So a recent development...I'm now bald. By choice mind you, and for a good cause. I had been planning to do it for a long time and finally actually did it. I'm happy to say that I collected well over $500 for the Alberta Cancer Foundation, I mean sure it may not seem like that much money but every bit counts I figure.

It's been 5 years since I've had short hair, I'm not really used to it. I feel cold all the time now and I think it looks a little weird. Many people that have only known me with long hair don't recognize me at first but many are saying that it suits me. I don't know if I'll keep it like this, I did like my long hair but I'm also torn to keep it short for a more professional look. I guess I can wait, I mean it's only hair and for now it'll always keep growing.

Why did I do it though? I felt I needed to, I like to help people where I can and while I don't believe in a higher power I just do these types of things because it makes me feel good. I don't understand how people can go through life being selfish all the time. These people have no idea the feeling of accomplishment you get from donating time to a cause. So many people are caught up in themselves that they give no time to others. I guess I get kinda preachy about this but it's something I deem important.

-Matt

Making a stand

When backed into a corner most animals will fight tooth and nail just to survive. Humans are animals too, but with a difference, we don't need to be in a corner to fight. We use things like religion and political beliefs as an excuse to fight...Sometimes not even that. We maim and kill each other for pointless causes and non-existent justice. It seems as if killing each other is so embedded into our minds that we're all driven to self-destruct our own existence.

Bush says that "we" don't want this war yet keeps troops over seas. I don't like this war, for lack of a better way of putting it it stinks of evil. Hundreds dying for a cause that I'm sure they don't truly understand. They're fighting for freedom right? They're the good guys that are ridding the world of militant dictators, some of whom they are directly responsible for their rise to power. They're "protecting" the world from a horrid future, a future of lunatic dictators with nuclear weapons where no one is safe to sleep at night. So they ensure that only they have to weapons that are capable of killing millions at a time, then we're safe.

Where do you draw the line between a justified stand and needless retaliation? It's hard, you can't really have a set line, it's blurry at best and is always moving. Every single person stumbles to figure out where it is, but one thing is sure, violence and hate are not the way, understanding and forgiveness are what should be used in a dispute.

But that's just me...

-Matt

The good in life

It's almost a year now...

I mark my moving out as a start of my new life, more independence, more freedom, more choices, more responsibility. And again I will mention change. I've changed, my demeanor has changed, my outlook on everything has changed. In this year that I've been gone many things have happened. Friendships broken that at one point seemed unbreakable, people that have already faded into what seems a distant past. But also other friendships have formed or become more intimate. These close friends provide the support I need to deal with things day to day and probably mean more to me than I could ever say. I also have a girlfriend who I cherish and care about dearly and she means a great deal to me.

This summer, despite many difficulties, has been great. Sure I've worked for most of it but I've also had a lot of fun too. Some parties, nights out, nights with friends, visiting people far away and many other such things.

School starts in a couple weeks. It's the beginning of my accounting career and I can't wait. Oddly, I've already had some job offers for next summer after I get my diploma. I don't know what I'll do, it's still really far away and I seem to do better when I don't make really long term plans. I'm more flexible that way and things seem to work better for me as well.

On another note, I'm now officially completely unpacked. Yes it has taken an entire year but I finally went out and got some bookshelves and unpacked the last of my boxes that had been, until recently, just sitting on my floor collecting dust. It's a good feeling, my room is finally clean and it's kind of a refreshing change and a good way to start a new year...Organized.

Luna does bring a lot of joy to everyone in my house. I recommend that everyone should get a dog, they're amazing and nothing will make you happier when you get home every day than a wagging tail and a lolling tongue, wriggling their way to greet you as you walk in the door and then face planting over your shoes because she's still a clumsy puppy.

I know sometimes I seem to focus on the negative, but you need to see the lighter side of everything. Anger and self pity do nothing to aid the situation. Feeling sorry for yourself won't do a lick of good to help you. Always remember, to get help you need to first help yourself. And if you believe that at anytime you don't need help then you delusioned of your own capability. Don't refuse an extended hand out of pride or anger, accept it and embrace their aid and the wealth of knowledge that others have to offer. No one is ever completely right about anything.

-Matt

Tired

It has been 2 weeks since my last day off and I couldn't have enjoyed it more than i did. Many things have happened since my last post. We got a new puppy, she's 7 weeks old now and is the most adorable little terror ever. I swesr she just gets cute and cuddly to get close enough to you to sink her teeth intp your leg.

August long weekend was a bust, i worked 10 hour days because we were so short staffed i couldn't have been more tired.

finally have everything sorted out for my line of credit, which means i'll be able to go to school in the fall and am in general just better off.

all the time i spent at work alone really made me think about weird things...don't know...maybe being by yourself for a long time isn't that healthy. maybe soon i'll find time to write about it.

-Matt